So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
