he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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