I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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