I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
