I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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