Cold hands, warm shart.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
