if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Drunk is a universal language darling
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
