Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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