Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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