; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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