This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
