I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
