just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
