how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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