There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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