She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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