i love accidental penises.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
