Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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