I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize