Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
