Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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