??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
