i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
