Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
me + whiskey = a bad person
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
