not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
