The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize