im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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