im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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