oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
