she looked like the before picture.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
