in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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