oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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