I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
