i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
