I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
