I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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