it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
