Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You ruined the universe
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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