I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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