I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
