I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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