Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
