It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
