don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
