Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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