Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
