It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
