bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Actions speak louder than pants.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
