sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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