worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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