I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
