Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
