I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
