chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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