I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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