I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
