I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
