im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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