Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Someone came in the potted fern
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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