I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
