Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize