Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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