you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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