yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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