My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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